When my friend Mariah asked if could write my ‘cancer story’ for the cancer fund website my first thought was what story? I had to dig deep to remember things about that time (15 years ago) which were mostly wonderful memories of family, friends, colleagues, staff at the hospital who helped support me and made it all seem a breeze! I had just been on a beautiful holiday with my sister who I had nursed through her chemotherapy a few years before that. (She was only 31 at the time). Life could not have been better when I was getting ready for work and noticed this very tiny lump in my left breast whilst I was in the shower. I immediately realised small as it was that it was most likely a cancer, so I called my GP who referred me immediately to the breast surgeon and the rest is history as they say.

Going through the investigations and waiting for the results was the most concerning times as I recall. I thought about how and what to tell my 12 year old daughter and decided to include her in all that there was to know honestly and openly as possible. When she was told that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer her first question was ‘are you going to die’? I replied if she meant, am I going to die of the breast cancer, that it was unlikely but possible and that I would do everything in my power to stay alive. I reminded her that we are all going to die and none of us know how or when this would happen and getting unwell and dying is just part of the course of life that we have to accept it.

However I said even if I died, it would not be the end of the world for her as there were so many people like my mum, sisters, sisters-in law, uncles all who would help her Thathti to look after her. I reminded her of all the children in the world who did not have either parent or people who loved them as much and how lucky she was whether I was there or not.

I remember me having a good cry with my husband as he was very sad and upset but then making a determination to focus on the positive and make the most of what I have to deal with. I reminded him if one has to have a cancer, breast cancer is a good one as it is a superficial organ and surgery is relatively simple despite not knowing at the time what surgery I would need.

Reminding myself that this was my own doing and this was resultant Karma of some unwholesome deeds I must have done in the past lives or even in this life and I had no one else to blame was helpful. I have to say the Buddhist upbringing helped very much to make me accept the process I had to go through.

I remember the professionalism of the surgeons who diagnosed & treated me. Both were colleagues & the one who confirmed the diagnosis, I thought was more upset than me!

I do remember feeling sorry for my poor mum who had yet another daughter with a diagnosis of cancer. I was also concerned about my mum who was living with me who I was taking care of and thought of what would happen to her if I was not there. In her usual pragmatic way she said ‘let’s worry about that if we get to it. As usual she taught me a good lesson about living in the moment and not worrying about things that have not happened and eventually which never did!

I do recall being upset about two other very young patients on the ward a 31 year old single parent hair dresser and a 25 year old girl who was terminal at the time. They have stayed in my mind. I have donated my hair a few times to make wigs for cancer patients and I am reminded of the 31 year old who was inspirational at the time talking of doing just this if she got out of the ward alive. I found accepting the situation and not resisting the inevitable also helped.

Humour helped me a lot during this time and it was very difficult to be sad or upset with all the friends and family joking about my having only one breast. I remember there was a ‘Hello’ magazine in the waiting room at the hospital, my husband said should it not be ‘Goodbye’ magazines? I could only go into the surgeon’s room with a big grin!

I have attached some of the jokes made which I kept in a little notebook for posterity. I had not looked at it for a long time and had forgotten some of the silly jokes and they still made me laugh.

Being given the diagnosis of cancer reminded me that life should not be wasted and each day was a gift to be lived to the full and one should have no regrets when dying. I am happy that I used the diagnosis of cancer to appreciate & live life to the full for all the years since. It has helped me to keep a positive attitude to life despite different challenges and practice the Dhamma to the best of my ability and not waste time as the diagnosis of cancer or any other illness can come at any time. At the time of diagnosis, I thought I was at the ‘peak of health’!

I think spiritualty helps in time of crises and accepting all the love and help one is offered is a very helpful way to get through the difficult times. Asking for help should not be seen as a weakness as often people want to help but don’t know how to.

Enjoy the jokes (some of you may not find them funny so apologies in advance)